We tried winging our relationship check-ins for exactly three weeks before realizing we needed structure. Not because we're bad at feelings—because without a template, we'd sit there going "so... how are we?" and stare at each other awkwardly.
This is the exact template we've used every Friday for six months. Copy it. Print it. Put it in your Notes app. Whatever works. If you want the longer story of how we got here, start with our weekly relationship check-in guide.
Quick Answer
A relationship check-in template is a simple, repeatable structure for a weekly conversation about how your relationship is going. Ours runs 20 minutes and moves through three prompts: roses (what felt connecting), thorns (what felt off), and a bud (one thing to try next week). The point of the template is to remove the awkward "so... how are we?" silence so you can just show up and answer.
TL;DR
- A check-in template is a fixed set of prompts you reuse every week so you don't have to invent the conversation each time.
- Ours is roses, thorns, bud — start with what's working before you name what isn't.
- It takes 20 minutes, runs the same day and time, and has a 10-minute version for the weeks you're both fried.
- Describe your own experience ("I felt invisible at dinner"), not your partner's behavior ("you ignored me").
- A template's whole job is removing the friction of starting. That's it. The talking is still on you.
What goes in a 20-minute relationship check-in template?
When: Same day/time every week (we do Friday 7:30 PM)
Where: Somewhere comfortable, not your dining table
Ground rules: No phones, 20-30 minutes max, roses before thorns
Part 1: Roses (5-7 minutes)
Prompt: "What are 2-3 things that made you feel connected, happy, or grateful this week?"
Person A:
- Rose 1: _________________________
- Rose 2: _________________________
- Rose 3: _________________________
Person B:
- Rose 1: _________________________
- Rose 2: _________________________
- Rose 3: _________________________
Tip: Be specific. "I felt loved" is vague. "I loved when you made coffee without me asking on Tuesday" tells your partner exactly what to keep doing.
Part 2: Thorns (5-10 minutes)
Prompt: "What's 1-2 things that made you feel disconnected or frustrated this week?"
Person A:
- Thorn 1: _________________________
- Thorn 2: _________________________
Person B:
- Thorn 1: _________________________
- Thorn 2: _________________________
Tip: Describe your experience, not your partner's behavior. "I felt invisible when you were on your phone at dinner" vs "You ignored me." Gottman's research on the first three minutes of a conflict discussion points the same way: opening with a specific complaint about one moment goes better than a global criticism of your partner's character. Also: it's okay to have zero thorns some weeks.
Part 3: Bud (5-10 minutes)
Prompt: "What's ONE thing we want to try differently next week?"
Our bud for next week:
How we'll know it worked:
Tip: ONE thing. Not five. One experiment you both agree to. If it works, great. If not, adjust next week.
What is rose, thorn and bud, and why start with roses?
Rose, thorn, bud is a group reflection exercise. The LUMA Institute, which publishes design methods, describes it as adapted from a Boy Scouts of America practice: name one positive (the rose), one negative (the thorn) and one new goal or insight (the bud). We use the same three beats for a couple's week.
Starting with roses has a reason beyond politeness. Gottman's State of the Union meeting is a weekly couples conversation that runs about an hour and opens with appreciation, and the Gottman Institute links that opening to its finding of about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict in stable marriages. Our version is shorter on purpose, at 20 to 30 minutes, so it is easier to repeat.
Appreciation also has research behind it outside the Gottman lab. In a 2010 study of more than 65 couples, Algoe, Gable and Maisel found that one partner's feelings of gratitude were reliably tied to the small daily ups and downs in how satisfied and connected the couple felt, according to a summary of the study.
What if you only have 10 minutes?
For weeks when you're both exhausted:
- One rose each: What was your high this week?
- One thorn (if any): What was your low?
- Quick action: What do we need more/less of next week?
Done. Ten minutes. Still better than skipping entirely. (If you'd rather turn the week into a more structured look-back, try the couples retrospective guide.)
What other questions can you ask in a check-in?
If roses/thorns/buds stops feeling fresh, rotate in these. For more, see our 50 conversation starters for couples and the Gottman-method check-in questions.
Which questions focus on connection?
- When did you feel closest to me this week?
- When did you feel most distant?
- What's one way I could help you feel more connected?
Which questions focus on appreciation?
- What's something I did this week that made you feel loved?
- What's a quality of mine you're grateful for?
- What's something you want to make sure I keep doing?
Which questions focus on the week ahead?
- What are you looking forward to next week?
- What do you need support with coming up?
- What's one thing we want to prioritize together?
How do you actually use this template?
Can you print it out?
Print this template and keep it in a dedicated notebook for your check-ins. Writing by hand forces you to slow down.
Can you run it in a shared doc?
Create a shared Google Doc with this template. Copy-paste it each week. You can track patterns over time.
Can you run it in the Growing Us app?
We built the Growing Us app specifically because we wanted prompts without having to remember the format. But you absolutely don't need it. This template works.
What rules make a check-in work?
Rule 1: Schedule it
Same day, same time, every week. No negotiating when. (More ideas for making it a habit are in our relationship ritual ideas.)
Rule 2: Roses first, always
Even if you're frustrated. Start with what's working. Gottman's own weekly "State of the Union" meeting opens with each partner naming five appreciations before any problem is raised.
Rule 3: No phones
Twenty minutes of full attention beats an hour of distracted conversation.
Rule 4: The check-in isn't the fight
If something big comes up, acknowledge it and schedule separate time to address it properly.
Rule 5: Missing one week is fine, missing three is data
If you skip repeatedly, ask why. Are you avoiding something? Too busy? Is the format not working?
What should you do this week?
Copy this template. Try it next Friday. See what happens.
We're not naturally "feelings people." But having a structured format meant we didn't have to figure out how to have the conversation. We just had to show up and answer the questions.
That's what a good template does. It removes the friction of starting.
FAQ
How often should couples check in?
Weekly is the sweet spot for most couples. It's frequent enough to catch small friction before it compounds into resentment, but not so frequent that it feels like a chore. We do Friday evenings. If weekly feels like too much to start, fortnightly is fine — the consistency matters more than the cadence. Missing one week is normal; missing three in a row is data worth looking at.
What should a relationship check-in template include?
At minimum: something positive, something hard, and one thing to try next. Ours uses roses (what made you feel connected), thorns (what felt disconnecting), and a bud (one small experiment for next week). Leading with the positives isn't fluff — it puts you both in a collaborative headspace before you touch the harder stuff.
How long should a check-in actually take?
Twenty to thirty minutes. Some weeks it's ten because nothing's surfacing, and that's a fine week. If yours regularly runs an hour and leaves you both drained, you're probably using the check-in to relitigate a big issue — park that for its own conversation and keep the check-in light.
Do we need an app or can we just use the template?
You don't need an app. A printed sheet or a shared note works completely. We built the Growing Us app because we didn't want to remember the format or think up prompts, but the template above is the whole method. The tool is optional; the habit is the point.
Want more? Read our full guide to relationship check-ins or try our couples retrospective format if you want a more structured weekly version.