Our early check-ins ran on questions like "How are we doing?", "Is everything okay?" and "Do you feel happy?" They're too vague. "How are we doing?" could mean conflict, intimacy, life logistics or the state of our emotional bank account.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent decades studying how couples actually talk in the lab, and many of the patterns they found have held up. Their questions are specific, and when we started using them, they surfaced things we'd been avoiding without realizing it.
Quick Answer
Gottman Method check-in questions are specific prompts from Drs. John and Julie Gottman's research, built around what healthy relationships maintain: knowing each other's inner world, appreciation, responding when one of you reaches out, managing conflict, and shared meaning. The Gottmans also publish a weekly check-in format, the State of the Union: share appreciations, talk about what's going well, take turns on one issue, then each answer "What can I do to make you feel more loved this week?" Use their questions inside that structure, and your check-ins surface the things you'd otherwise avoid.
TL;DR
- Vague questions ("how are we doing?", "are you happy?") get vague answers. Specific questions surface real things.
- The Gottmans' weekly check-in is the State of the Union: appreciations, what's going well, one issue, and "What can I do to make you feel more loved this week?"
- Their questions map onto the Sound Relationship House, their model of what holds a relationship up.
- Lead with appreciation. The Gottmans call contempt the greatest predictor of divorce, and appreciation its antidote.
- Not every question is weekly: conflict questions come out after a fight, shared-meaning questions every few months.
How Do You Run the Gottman State of the Union Check-In?
The Gottmans recommend a weekly check-in they call the State of the Union. Find a time without phones or TV, and work through five steps:
- Appreciations. Take turns sharing three to five specific things your partner did this week, and what each showed you about them: "I appreciate [what happened] because [what it meant]."
- What's going well. Name what's working, so the wins don't go unnoticed.
- One issue, taking turns. The speaker says "I feel [emotion] about [a specific event], and I need [a positive need]"; the listener reflects back what they heard, without defending or fixing. Then switch.
- "What can I do to make you feel more loved this week?" Each of you names one specific thing.
- Close when you both feel finished. If either of you gets flooded, pause for at least 20 minutes and agree when you'll come back to it.
Our own four-part version, further down, borrows this skeleton and swaps in questions for the inner world and missed connections. The part we never skip is theirs: open with appreciation.
Planning your first one?
Where Do the Gottman Check-In Questions Come From?
The Gottmans describe a healthy relationship as a house with seven floors, held up by two walls: trust and commitment (Gottman Institute). Each floor needs ongoing upkeep, and each of their check-in questions tends one of them.
| Floor | What it means | Where it shows up below |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Build Love Maps | Knowing each other's inner world | Inner-world questions |
| 2. Share Fondness and Admiration | Saying what you appreciate | Appreciation questions |
| 3. Turn Towards Instead of Away | Responding when your partner reaches out | Reaching-out questions |
| 4. The Positive Perspective | Giving each other the benefit of the doubt | No weekly questions; it tends to follow from the floors above |
| 5. Manage Conflict | Handling solvable and perpetual problems | Repair questions |
| 6. Make Life Dreams Come True | Supporting each other's hopes | Our quarterly conversations |
| 7. Create Shared Meaning | Rituals, values and where you're headed | Shared-meaning questions |
Here are the Gottman questions we actually use in our weekly check-ins, floor by floor.
Which Questions Help You Know Your Partner's Inner World?
People keep growing, and it's easy to keep relating to the version of your partner from six months ago. "How was your day?" rarely gets past the logistics.
The Gottmans found that couples with detailed "love maps" of each other's inner lives are "far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (Gottman Institute). In a six-year study of new parents, mothers' satisfaction held steady when their husbands showed fondness and both partners showed high awareness of each other and their relationship. Satisfaction declined for 67% of the wives overall (Shapiro, Gottman and Carrère, 2000).
Questions We Use
"What's been on your mind this week that I might not know about?"
This catches the things you're processing internally but haven't said out loud yet. Small worries. Random thoughts. Things you're excited or anxious about.
"What's something new you learned about yourself this week?"
People change, even in long-term relationships. This question asks you to notice your own evolution and share it.
"What's one stress I could help with, even just by listening?"
It invites them to share what's weighing on them, without you rushing to fix it.
"What's something you're looking forward to?"
Simple, but it gives you insight into what brings your partner joy right now.
Try it: pick one or two of these for your next check-in and ask them like you don't already know the answer, because you probably don't. You're not interrogating; you're updating your picture of who your partner is right now. For more of their prompts, the free Gottman Card Decks app has more than 1,000 flashcards across 14 decks as of October 2026 (we compared it in our guide to relationship apps).
Which Questions Build Appreciation?
There was a stretch where we noticed every annoyance and almost none of the good. The coffee that appeared each morning, the small kindnesses: all invisible, because we'd stopped clocking them. Resentment grows fast in that soil.
The Gottmans are blunt about why this matters. They call contempt (the eye-rolling, sneering, "I'm better than you" register) "the greatest predictor of divorce", and they name building "a culture of appreciation and respect" as its antidote (Gottman Institute). Appreciation is a muscle you have to actually use.
Questions We Use
"What's something I did this week that made you feel appreciated?"
This tells you what's working. Do more of that.
"What's a quality of mine you're grateful for right now?"
The "right now" is the point: it forces specificity.
"What's a small thing I do that you hope I never stop doing?"
This one surfaces the small habits that are easy to take for granted.
"When did you feel most proud of me this week?"
Catches moments of achievement or growth you might not have acknowledged.
Try it: open every check-in with one appreciation question, even on the weeks you're annoyed, and especially on those weeks. If you only keep one habit from this whole list, keep this one.
How Do You Notice When Your Partner Reaches Out?
Your partner walks in and says, "Ugh, what a day." Or, "Guess who I ran into at lunch?" Neither is really about the information. Each is a small reach for connection, and the difference between a good day and a lonely one is often whether the other person looks up from their phone.
The Gottmans call these small reaches "bids", and you can turn toward one, turn away, or turn against it. In their six-year study of newlyweds, couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time; couples who later divorced did so 33% of the time (Gottman Institute). Miss enough bids and resentment quietly accumulates without a single fight.
Questions We Use
"Was there a moment this week where you reached out and I didn't respond the way you needed?"
This catches missed bids before they build resentment.
"When did you need me this week and I showed up well?"
You're noting what worked so you can repeat it.
"Is there something you've been wanting to share but haven't found the right moment?"
Creates the right moment.
"Was there a time you wanted connection and I wasn't available?"
This one's hard to ask, but it catches patterns of emotional unavailability.
Try it: ask "was there a moment this week you reached out and I didn't show up the way you needed?" and resist defending yourself when you hear the answer. Treat these questions as your early-warning system: if you're consistently missing each other, you'll hear it here first.
Which Questions Help You Repair After a Conflict?
We once spent an entire silent Sunday over a comment about laundry from the day before. The thing itself was nothing. The not-talking-about-it was the whole problem.
The Gottmans' finding on conflict is the one that surprised us most: what matters is whether you repair, and the couples who do well repair early, before things escalate.
In a study of newlyweds, repairs made in the first three minutes of a conflict were the most effective (Gottman, Driver and Tabares, 2015). Repair is also easier when you both feel emotionally safe. These questions are for the debrief, once you're both calm enough to look at it together.
Questions We Use
"In our last disagreement, what could I have done differently?"
Ask it when you're not actively fighting, as a debrief.
"Is there something from a previous argument that's still bothering you?"
Unresolved conflict lingers. This surfaces it.
"Did I make you feel heard in our last disagreement, even if we didn't agree?"
Being heard matters more than being agreed with.
"What's a recurring conflict we need to accept vs. try to solve?"
The Gottmans found that 69% of ongoing conflicts are "perpetual problems" rooted in lasting differences in personality or needs (Gottman Institute). Those you learn to talk about and manage, rather than fix.
Try it: after your next disagreement cools, ask "did I make you feel heard, even though we didn't agree?" Use these questions only when you've actually had a conflict, and only once you're both calm.
Which Questions Build Shared Meaning?
The questions that go quiet first in a long relationship aren't the logistics ones; those keep going forever. It's the bigger ones: what are we building, what do we actually value, where is this going. We realized we hadn't asked each other anything like that in over a year.
These are the slowest-burning questions, about rituals, values, dreams and where you're both headed. They don't belong in a rushed weekly check-in.
Questions We Use
"What's one ritual we have that you really value?"
Surfaces what's working so you protect it.
"Is there a ritual or tradition you'd like to start?"
Creates space for new patterns.
"What does 'a good relationship' mean to you right now?"
Definitions change. Make sure yours are aligned.
"What's a value that's important to you that we haven't talked about recently?"
Checks that you're still on the same page about what matters.
Try it: save one of these for a longer, unhurried conversation, like a walk or a slow dinner, rather than the weekly run-through. Quarterly is about right: often enough to stay aligned, rare enough to give them room.
What Does Our Four-Part Weekly Check-In Look Like?
We combine the Gottmans' framework with our weekly check-in format in four parts of about five minutes each. We call it the Growing Us four-part check-in:
Part 1: Appreciation (5 min)
- Pick one appreciation question
- Each person answers
Part 2: Inner-world update (5 min)
- Pick one "what's on your mind" question
- Each person answers
Part 3: Connection and conflict check (5 min)
- "Were there any moments we missed each other, or unresolved tension this week?"
- If yes, process briefly or schedule time to discuss
Part 4: Small action (5 min)
- "What's one thing we want to try differently next week based on what came up?"
Total time: 20 to 25 minutes. Ours spends less time on a single issue than the State of the Union, and more on catching missed connections.
Can an App Help You Run the Check-In?
This part is about our app, so weigh it accordingly. A check-in only helps if it happens, and holding the structure is the hard part when you're tired. We built Growing Us because we needed that help ourselves.
Start a voice session together and tell the coach you'd like to do a State of the Union. It guides the conversation in real time: asking the next question, reflecting back what it hears, and helping each of you say what you mean.
Because it recognizes who's speaking, afterwards it shows what it noticed about how each of you communicated, including where you connected and where you talked past each other. If you'd rather start from a prompt, pick one of its conversation guides.
Sign up free on the web and try it at your next check-in. It's free to start on Android and iPhone: two coaching sessions with no credit card, then $1 a session (as of October 2026). Like any app, it isn't therapy.
Which Gottman Questions Don't We Use Weekly?
"On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with our relationship?"
Too vague for us. What are we measuring? Intimacy? Communication? Shared household labor? We prefer specific questions about specific areas.
"What are your dreams for our future?"
Important, but not a weekly check-in question. It belongs in a longer, dedicated conversation (like our seasonal planning dates).
How Do You Start Gottman-Style Check-Ins?
If you want to try Gottman-based check-ins, ease in:
Week 1: Pick one inner-world question and one appreciation question.
Week 2: Add one "did we miss each other?" question.
Week 3: Try the full format above, or a full State of the Union.
Try it: this week, swap your usual "how are we doing?" for one specific question from the appreciation list. That single substitution did more for us than any grand relationship conversation.
You're not trying to become Gottman experts. You're borrowing from decades of the Gottmans' research to have better conversations. We're not therapists. We're two people who realized that using questions designed by researchers who've studied thousands of couples was smarter than making it up as we went.
FAQ
What questions should couples ask each other regularly?
Specific ones that update your sense of each other and keep appreciation alive: "what's been on your mind this week that I might not know about?", "what's something I did that made you feel appreciated?", and "was there a moment you reached out and I didn't show up the way you needed?". Save the bigger ones (values, dreams, "what does a good relationship mean to you now?") for longer, less frequent conversations.
What is the Gottman State of the Union meeting?
It's the Gottmans' weekly relationship check-in. You share three to five appreciations, talk about what's going well, take turns on one issue as speaker and listener, and each answer "What can I do to make you feel more loved this week?" If either of you gets overwhelmed, you pause for at least 20 minutes and come back to it.
Is the Gottman Method actually backed by research?
Yes, with a caveat. The Gottmans' decades of lab research with thousands of couples is real, and findings like appreciation as the antidote to contempt and the importance of repair hold up well. The widely quoted 94% divorce-prediction figure is the shakier part: their own FAQ explains it describes how closely a couple resembles the divorcing group in a 1992 study, and critics argue it's overstated. The questions are worth using because the underlying ideas are sound.
How often should couples do a relationship check-in?
Weekly works well for most couples: long enough that things accumulate, short enough that they don't fester. Keep it to 20 to 25 minutes so it actually happens.
Use appreciation and inner-world questions every week, conflict questions only when you've had a fight, and shared-meaning questions every few months. If holding the structure is the hard part, an app like Growing Us can guide the conversation and notice patterns in how you talk, like one person asking all the questions while the other answers in one word.
What if my partner thinks scheduled check-ins are too clinical?
Common reaction, and a fair one. The fix is usually the format, not the idea: keep it short, start with appreciation before any grievances, and let it feel like a conversation over coffee. A lighter check-in template or a deck of conversation cards often lands better than announcing "we're now doing weekly relationship meetings."
Want a simpler format? Try our relationship check-in template or read about our weekly couples retrospective.